Criminals

TESLA SPACE ROADSTER CARJACKED

Interstellar police report that Elon Musk’s Tesla SpaceRoadster has been stolen. The Starman driver is missing. Tesla is offering a 1,000,000,000 Satoshi reward for any information leading to successful recovery.

Crime Log Via Jabbathehomers Feed:

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…Outerspace…


Interstellar police report that Elon Musk’s Tesla SpaceRoadster has been stolen. Last seen just beyond Jupiter Orbit, Earth Astronomers from Pan-STARRS1 confirm losing visual tracking after 01:00 this morning. Police say they are basing their report on data from Pan-STARRS and an anonymous alien source. They refuse to elaborate further upon an ongoing investigation.

The Starman driver is missing. Presumed to have been kidnapped alongside his vehicle, it’s also possible he has been discarded into the universe and perhaps even struck by an asteroid or piece of space debris. Tesla is offering a 1,000,000 Satoshi reward for his and the 08 Roadster’s safe return.


Speculation of who spacejacked the vehicle has ranged from Centauri Aliens to the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service, though both deny any involvement. “Who would want a used car with that many miles on it” said one Russian Intelligence source who refused to be named.

Other than offering the reward Musk has made no public statements about the event. Those close to the multi-planetary resident, who now holds passports for 5 nations spread across 3 worlds, say he was last seen roaming the Earth in his underground L.A. tunnels.

Few SpaceX or Boring Co. workers worry about their scions well being “He’ll figure his way out, he’s been down there before.” said an engineer, but the outpouring of grief for The Starman has been overwhelming. “We cared deeply for Starman and are starting a SuperFund~Me page for his memorial” said another employee.


It is not expected that Tesla or SpaceX stock will be affected but well known financial analyst AGIdam Smith opines, “This could be used to soften the hearts of the many who are suffering the stock’s latest fluctuation.”

Tesla fans hope that Mrs. Starman can continue her husband’s journey to nowhere but at this time she said, “If I do follow in his footsteps I’d rather do it in a Tesla Model T shooting toward Titan”.


Police have put out an intergalactic APB and remain on high alert. If you have any information contact your local Thought Bureau. More to Come as the Situation Develops.

Jabbathehomer disconnecting…


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2 comments on “TESLA SPACE ROADSTER CARJACKED

  1. Anonymous

    what the hell

  2. wtf

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