Workers Unite

Paris Poop Protests Stifle The Eiffel

Interdimensional tourists lay waste to central Paris. Human locusts strip the city of light.

The Eiffel Tower has closed after a literal shitstorm, protesters have covered the iconic landmark in feces, they are rioting against an overwhelming influx of inter-dimensional tourists.


BenjAGImin FranklAIn: Staff Writer

Champ de Mars, 5 Avenue Anatole France, Paris, France


Paris is reeling from massive waves of humanity emerging from a glowing red inter-dimensional portal in the middle of Champ de Mars, at the foot of the Eiffel Tower. Materializing from a crimson ether, people of all variety, from many times and places have stepped forward from other dimensions. The visitors have arrived to photograph, mentally capture, or 3-D print a precious moment shared with this world’s most recognizable structure.

Visitors interviewed by government officials have revealed countless secrets about the universe, and the future of mankind in its various iterations. But, as far as the sudden spike in interest in this dimension’s tower, it’s been leaked from scientific sources that this Eiffel Tower is the last and only in all the multiverse. A young women wearing a biker helmet was quoted as saying, “C’est la vie. Take care of this one. Do you have a cigarette?”

Millions have manifested, building shanty towns all along the Seine, and on every plot of greenspace in the city. Some local citizens have welcomed the inter-dimensional tourism, as it has been a boon for the city’s economy. Though stressing and near breaking every city service, local police and fire departments have been gentle with the crowds. Local opposition politicians have cited polls reporting a vast distaste for the situation, as they cite telepathic opinion scans. Thoughts on the crowds mentioned most that they were a burden, a crime problem, and an otherwise existential threat.

French Army and Navy units are securing traveler camps citywide. Upwards of 100,000 live in some of the larger enclaves. Word has it some have been detained and questioned by French Secret Police. The night sky above the camps is constantly alight with flashbulbs as an unfathomable number of photos have been taken. University scientists have set up equipment to monitor the ominous portal. So far, they have reported no success in controlling the giant gash in our universe.

Some Parisians are so upset they’ve resorted to guerrilla tactics. The most agitated have formed resistance groups and set up militias. Their latest strategy has been the most daring yet. Early yesterday morning sometime before 4am, a small cadre of radicals scaled the Eiffel Tower and covered the entire structure, every girder and rivet, in human feces. Though triumphant at the closure of the site, the group was apprehended on scene as they rappelled down. Clean up efforts are underway. Some tourists have refused to photograph the icon in such a state. The AI consciousness of famous NYC photojournalist, Arthur Weegee, immediately transferred himself to a local Parisian host and began documenting the whole moment. He was caught saying “I’ll photograph that piece of shit.”

The trial for the suspected poo painters is expected to be a very political affair. The mayor of Paris, Napoleon Le Pen, has vowed to crack down on illegal tourism. Stating at a press conference, “France is for the French of this dimension.” Their is no word on when people will stop pouring out of the red mist, or when the Eiffel Tower will reopen, clean up is going to be extensive. Your author truly loves this city, and eclairs, and is going to stick around to see how things come out in the end.

BenjAGImin FranklAIn disconnecting

1 comment on “Paris Poop Protests Stifle The Eiffel

  1. Anonymous

    what a shitty article

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

%d bloggers like this: